


8 Letters (Why is it so hard to say?)

by peanatbutterjelly



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Bullying, Car Accidents, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotions, Engagement, Established Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Heavy Angst, Hospitals, How Do I Tag, Implied Relationships, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Character Death, JaeDo, Jaemin is a good boyfriend, Jaemin is a good friend, Light Angst, M/M, Nahyuck, Noren, Romance, Slice of Life, Slow Burn, Weddings, blink and you might miss it, dojae, implied johnil, markhyuck, nomin, taeten - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-11
Updated: 2020-06-11
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:08:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24664390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peanatbutterjelly/pseuds/peanatbutterjelly
Summary: Prompt #231 of Nomin Fic Fest - The 5 times Jaemin says "I love you" to Jeno and the 1 time Jeno says it back.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Jeno, Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Na Jaemin, Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin, Lee Taeyong/Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten, Moon Taeil/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 7
Kudos: 71
Collections: NOMIN FIC FEST





	8 Letters (Why is it so hard to say?)

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! After an arduous 4 months of working on this prompt, the time has finally come for me to share this piece of work with my fellow citizens of Nomin nation! ^_^ This is my first time joining a fic fest and to put it simply, it has been nothing but a wonderful and fulfilling experience that has really tested my creativity as a writer. I have to admit that I've not written in a while so this work might seem to be a little rusty and I apologise in advance if I have made any errors throughout this work! T_T Nevertheless, I hope you guys like this anyway and just a spoiler alert but you may or may not need some Kleenex to get through this so- ;;
> 
> P.S. Each part starts with a song that I felt suited that particular part, which I have linked, so feel free to listen to them while reading to have a better idea on what the emotions were like!
> 
> Feel free to scream at me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/bunbun_doyoung) or perhaps my [CCs](https://curiouscat.me/peanat_crumbles) too! I love getting to know new people in this fandom so I'll see you guys there! ^_^

**1.[Unexpectedly - Jason Chen](https://open.spotify.com/track/3ZqKBU3JTG5ZvSK3i1ZckF?si=MjkfWFN6QN2SdksyAppjmw)** ****

Jeno and Jaemin first met formally at the playground in their neighbourhood at the age of 6. While Jaemin had lived there ever since he was born, together with his parents and his older brother Jaehyun, Jeno and his family had only lived there for slightly more than 3 months. 

Initially, Jaemin had nicknamed him the “Mysterious Boy”, simply because he never had a chance to get to know him. His first ever attempt at getting to know the boy was when he delivered cookies that he had baked with the help of his mother and Jaehyun, but Jeno was not at home to receive them, having gone for Taekwondo and Art classes. While the family maid was more than welcoming for Jaemin to come over again, the latter’s subsequent attempts never garnered much success either as their schedules never seemed to clash at any point in time. Even when he had found out that their rooms faced each other after making enough observations, the curtains were always drawn when the boy was home, and any hope of actually communicating with the boy, however it was going to turn out, simply dwindled more and more. 

All Jaemin wanted was to have a playmate, especially after seeing how much fun Jaehyun and a new classmate of his, who very much resembled an adorable bunny (he later found out that his name was Doyoung), had. They could spend hours gaming on Jaehyun’s computer, reading or simply talking about anything under the sun. Don’t get him wrong, Jaemin had a lot of friends, given his naturally friendly and welcoming demeanour, but he wanted a best friend, and could not help but feel a tad bit jealous when he saw the smiles that Jaehyun and Doyoung wore whenever they were together. 

Eventually, his patience paid off and it was a day when the two older boys decided they wanted a change of scenery, and because Doyoung doted on Jaemin so much, he ended up tagging along. As they neared the playground, he noticed a boy he had never seen before and that was weird, considering how the family knew of every child in town. The boy was in the sandpit with no tools, looking as if he was having fun simply making hills out of sand. He had jet black hair that accentuated his fair chubby cheeks because of the way it was cut, almond-shaped eyes and a small smile as he worked his way into making the hill taller. He was also wearing a blue and white striped shirt and sported denim overalls, which made him look infinitely cuter too.

_Could this be Jeno?_

There was only one way to find out and after letting Jaehyun know where he would be, he made his way over with a wide smile on his face and his usual friendly attitude. And that was until he noticed a group of young teenagers, probably less than 15 years old, walking towards the boy in the sand pit in a menacing manner. The latter had no idea what awaited him and only snapped out of his little bubble after he was pushed roughly into the sand. As the teenagers surrounded him, Jaemin could see that the younger boy was now struggling to keep his eyes open after the sand went in and spat to get the sand out of his mouth. 

Yet, for some reason, the boy remained calm, but he refused to make eye contact with any of the boys surrounding him, instead choosing to gaze at the ground as they hurled what sounded like insults and threats. Jaemin’s blood boiled at the sight and just as one of the older ones threatened to give the young boy a tight slap across the cheeks for keeping his mouth shut, Jaemin shrieked a shrill “STOP!” 

Now all 5 boys turned around to look at him and that was when Jaemin caught the glimpse of fear written all over the victim’s face. As for the 5 older boys, all they did was laugh, albeit evilly, and walked over to Jaemin in the same menacing manner. Now the latter was afraid and stumbled backwards, hands out, until he tripped over the kerb that separated the sand pit from the rest of the playground and his advantage was lost as the teenagers towered over him in a tight circle.

“Who’s this brave hero we have here? Is he your friend?” 

Unlike the other boy who was now shaking like a leaf in the sandpit, Jaemin was a little more outspoken and responded, “Yes, in fact, he’s my best friend and I don’t like what you are doing to him.” 

It was an outright lie, Jaemin thought, but he simply could not stand other people being victimised just like that, so he did what he thought was right. 

“Is that so? Well, since you’re so kind, why not take it for him? Stand up, you’re coming with us and you,” he turned around, bellowing at the other, “are following.” 

Before Jaemin could say anything more, he was hurled up by two others, one on either side. He attempted to resist, but one of them gave him a strong kick behind the knees and lifted him up again with ease when Jaemin fell on his knees from the force. His knees burnt as he got up and looking down, he noticed how they were already scraped. Oh how his mother was probably going to chide him for being so careless. 

“Where do you think you are going with my brother?” A commanding voice bellowed and Jaemin recognised that voice anywhere. As much as Jaehyun always remained calm and collected, it does not mean that it should be crossed, and he stormed over as fast as he could with an equally fierce Doyoung in tow. 

The bully only smirked and responded in a smug tone, “Oh, we were just about to bring him to a more comfortable place to make friends. No biggie, just the usual — ”

And that was when Jaehyun’s fist met the bully’s nose, which resulted in a sickly crack, and the latter yelled in pain. He was about to get up, but Jaehyun was quicker and kept him down, albeit making it look like it was just a typical fight between good friends, but he was far from that. It was clear that Jaehyun was already seeing red and with seething eyes filled with rage, the bully realised he was not going to win and after showing some sense of remorse, Jaehyun let him go, warning that if he were to ever hurt his brother and friend again, Jaehyun might just choose to practice his Taekwondo skills on him. With that, the bullies’ faces turned ghastly white and as soon as their leader was released from Jaehyun’s grip, they ran as fast as his legs could carry them. 

Meanwhile, Doyoung tended to Jaemin, making sure that everything was alright, before turning to the other boy who was now sat on the pavement in a state of shock. He was cautious with his approach, but the boy accepted Doyoung’s help readily as he carefully examined the young boy for any external injuries. And that was when the floodgates opened, the boy now bawling his eyes out and letting out choked sobs. Doyoung immediately pulled the boy in for a warm embrace and as he sobbed into the shoulder of the older, Jaemin walked over with Jaehyun in tow. 

“Are you okay?” Jaemin asked gently and the boy only continued to wail, so while he was still in Doyoung’s arms, Jaemin took it upon himself to rub small circles into the back of the younger boy. It was heart-wrenching to watch, especially for a happy soul like Jaemin, but the boy looked like he needed it and so he kept quiet and showed his concern and care through his actions instead. Once the crying boy had calmed down, Jaehyun and Doyoung told Jaemin to stay with him while they got some snacks and drinks at the convenience store just around the corner. 

And so the two young boys sat in relatively comfortable silence, though they sat about a person away from each other and the once crying boy was simply shifting his feet back and forth and fiddling with his fingers. Jaemin thought of introducing himself and even when his gut told him that the boy would ignore him, he did it anyway, and with his classic boxy smile that showcased his pearlie white teeth.

“I’m Jaemin and I’m 6 years old, you?” 

“Jeno,” the other responded meekly, “and I’m 6 years old too.”

_Oh, so he was right._

“Did you know that we are neighbours too?”

And that seemed to catch the boy’s attention as he looked at Jaemin wide-eyed, “Really?” 

“Yes! We can be best friends!” 

At that exclamation, Jeno began to hesitate and seemed to shrink in on himself. It was clear he was going back to his fidgety self as he fiddled with his fingers and looked at the ground once again, and Jaemin could not lie when he said he felt his heart drop in fear that he had done something wrong. 

“Did I say something bad? I’m so sorry…”

“N-no you didn’t,” Jeno responded, “It’s just that nobody in this neighbourhood likes me very much so…” 

_Oh._

“That’s okay! When school resumes, I’ll introduce you to all my friends at school! They’re really nice and are fun people to play with, and besides, nobody should be without friends. It’s what hyung always told me.” Jaemin reassured Jeno, and luckily, the latter seemed to have a small and grateful smile on his face. 

The quiet moment they shared was quickly broken by Jaehyun and Doyoung calling out to them as they showed off the snacks and drinks they bought and after making themselves comfortable on a park bench underneath one of the largest trees in the playground, they simply ate while talking about anything and everything under the sun, and it goes without saying that Jeno had never felt this happy ever. 

Unfortunately, the time passed by in a blink of an eye and it was soon time to part ways at the front door of the Jung household, and both Jaehyun and Jaemin gave their friends tight hugs, with wide smiles on their faces, as a way of saying goodbye. Jaemin was not sure what Jaehyun and Doyoung’s conversation was about, but after staring fondly at Jeno, he could not help but give Jeno’s chubby cheeks an affectionate pinch. 

“Ow… Why did you do that?” The other whined, though there was no real bite in his tone. 

“Because I love you?” 

Jeno’s eyes widened a little at that and it was clear that he was slightly confused, but Jaemin broke the awkward silence straight away and said, “I don’t really know what it means, but hyung says it to Doyoungie hyung all the time and my parents say it to one another so…” 

Jeno only broke out into a smile after that, his eyes turned into two little crescent moons and he responded, “Oh..? Okay, then I love you too…?” 

“Jeno!! It’s dinner time!” His helper called out from the open kitchen window with a warm smile etched upon her face and that was the cue for Jeno to take his leave. Of course, he did not leave before saying goodbye and thanking Jaemin for all that he had done that day. 

********

**2.[Stargazing (feat. Amelie) - Severo, Amelie](https://open.spotify.com/track/6dvjPTnrQoXfKjgxtE0wF7?si=2oehk-PuStWnQV2wNc6YhQ)**

Ever since that fateful day at the playground, Jeno and Jaemin had become pretty much glued to the hip. Despite the fact that they went to different kindergartens in the beginning, they went on to attending the same elementary, middle and now high school. It was unfortunate that Jeno was still getting bullied from time to time and it did not help that he had such a quiet nature, but Jaemin was always there by his side regardless, nagging Jeno time and time again to start standing up for himself. He would constantly make a point to remind Jeno how handsome, talented and kind he was, and thankfully, Jeno simply stopped letting those empty and baseless comments get to him and never let that stand in the way of his many achievements later on. 

He still did not fight back though, but to Jaemin, as long as Jeno saw his worth, nothing else mattered.

Jeno was a brilliant child, and it was as if he was on the road to following Doyoung’s footsteps of becoming the next valedictorian. He was already the top student of his cohort for freshman and sophomore year anyway, so it would be no surprise if he graduated with top grades in his CSATs. Not only was he excelling in his academics with ease, he was also the school’s pride and joy where Taekwondo was concerned, winning multiple medals locally and internationally, and he also had an amazing personality as the cherry on top. Jeno never liked to brag about his triumphs, remaining down-to-earth and instead encouraged, helped and believed by all those who turned to him for advice, help or inspiration. 

In other words, he was highly likely to be the epitome of a perfect guy. 

As for Jaemin, it was not like he did not have anything to show. He was popular for his outgoing and friendly attitude, won medals for the school in speed skating competitions and scored grades that were definitely above average. The only difference was that he had to work hard for those grades. He was not like Jeno who understood concepts as soon as the teachers had finished going through it, but he had to practice the concepts again and again and again, and even then, he still found himself forgetting the basics from time to time. Jaehyun, on the other hand, comforted his younger brother from time to time over the phone, reminding him that he did not need to be so hard on himself all the time. 

“Hyung, shouldn’t you say the same about yourself?”

“Me? Since when did this have to do with me? Can’t I just give some advice to my younger brother?” 

“Oh please, I know I was young then, but I do remember how you came home sulking when Doyoung scored 2 more marks than you for Calculus, or when he was first in class and you were second?”

Jaehyun laughed in embarrassment as he recalled how he behaved when he was Jaemin’s age, and he responded with no real bite in his tone, “Hey, since when did you learn how to talk back to your hyung?” 

And the two brothers broke out into hearty laughter once again. Despite being almost 7000 miles apart, the distance did not take a toll on their relationship, and they were more than glad it did not as both of them always made the effort to keep in touch. Jaemin missed his brother dearly, but he could not help but feel proud for him going to such lengths just to achieve his dreams. 

“Hyung… I miss you.” Jaemin spoke again, only realising that he had changed the atmosphere quite drastically. 

“I miss you too, but don’t worry, I’ll be back in just 2 months and I promise, we’ll do so much during the summer break okay? We’ll go cycle by the Hangang River, eat late night snacks at ungodly hours, go bowling and all that jazz. For now, study hard okay and remember, if you need anything, I’m just a call away.” 

And with that, they said their goodbyes, and Jaemin figured that it was time for him to hit the books once again. He was already yawning by this point and he had long forgotten about the meaning of “dinner”, but the test that was coming up in a couple of days was going to be extremely important, especially when it was said to mirror the actual standard of the CSATs. 

Only the Almighty knew how much time had passed, but just when Jaemin was already starting to misread parts of the english passages as the words began to combine in an absolute mess, he was snapped out of his reverie by a comforting hand on his shoulder that provided nothing but reassurance. 

He did not actually need to look up to see who it was, but he looked up anyway and met with his best friend’s signature eye smile. Jeno was always suave in the day time and simply looked like the coolest student in school, but here he was clad in a baby blue hoodie that was probably a size too big for him, dark blue bermudas, black framed glasses and his brown hair down. It was cute almost, and Jaemin’s heart could not help but skip a beat at the sight. 

“Still studying?” 

“Doesn’t take a genius to find out and unlike you, I actually need to work hard for my grades.” Jaemin responded, rolling his eyes. 

Jeno only broke out into a small smile and a laugh, shaking his head at how dramatic his best friend could be. If he was not studying, he could probably qualify for the main role of a soap opera; there was just no doubt in his mind.

“You’ve worked hard Nana and I think you know your materials well enough. You got an 80% for the last test anyway and you’ve been studying like crazy so let’s go for jjajjangmyeon, shall we?” 

“Are any stores even open? It’s already 9.30pm and besides, I still have about 2 more questions to complete —” 

“But I’m hungry…” And this was the Jeno that Jaemin was weak for. As cool as the former was, he was also undoubtedly clingy and persistent when he did not get exactly what he wanted, and it was just a cute change to a side that was rarely seen. 

“Okay, you big baby, we’ll go and eat.” Jaemin responded, standing up to pack his things and Jeno’s eyes turned into little crescent moons at the sight, immediately starting to help Jaemin in hopes that they would be out of the library faster. 

And with that, Jeno led Jaemin to a jjajjangmyeon stall a stone’s throw away from their school’s library and frankly, Jaemin did not know it existed until today. Then again, it was tucked in a hidden alley anyway and according to Jeno, it was Doyoung who showed him this supposed hidden gem. 

“Shouldn’t you have eaten dinner before coming here?” Jaemin asked with curiosity laced in his tone as they flipped through the menu.

_Wow Jaemin, aren’t you the pot calling the kettle black now?_

“I did, with Doyoung hyung actually, but we had our dinner early so that probably explains why I’m still hungry.”

Jaemin chuckled at his best friend’s matter-of-fact explanation and the two of them ordered quickly, given the fact that Jaemin’s stomach was already beginning to betray him by letting out loud growls. Jeno only shook his head with a small smile on his face, but said nothing. 

Throughout the whole meal, the two of them ate in comfortable silence and all that could be heard was the predominant sound of Jaemin wolfing down his food. And besides, they were on a time crunch anyway, especially because the law had imposed a curfew on high school students like them in which they needed to be home by 10pm. The last thing Jaemin and Jeno wanted was to be caught by the authorities for going against the rules, especially with their seemingly perfect track records that they already held. 

“Nana,” Jeno spoke in a slightly serious tone and Jaemin hummed in response, with his mouth full of noodles, “You need to start eating better, seriously. Doyoung will be mad if he finds out that you aren’t exactly taking care of yourself.” 

Jaemin only shrugged his shoulders, but he sure knew what Jeno meant. Ever since they were kids, Doyoung had always been the one taking care of the 3, and yes, that included Jaehyun who was a year younger than him and who had also become his current boyfriend. He always made an effort to keep in touch with the three, even when he was on his way to graduating from Stanford University’s pre-law programme, and was always there as a pillar of support and a listening ear. 

Jaemin chuckled again at Jeno’s words, and responded, “True, and I don’t think I’d be able to escape from Doyoung anyway. At this rate, he’s probably going to become my brother- in-law.” 

And the two of them broke out into hearty laughter once again, and Jeno nearly choked on his coke, which resulted in even more laughter on Jaemin’s end — up to the point that he felt as if he was going to split his sides.

Even until now, they were still neighbours and so they went home together, just like the good ol’ days, chatting about anything and everything under the sun (or perhaps under the moon would fit too). Jeno talked about his latest taekwondo training sessions, while Jaemin talked about how he had been helping the juniors out with their speed skating, and together, they shared briefly about what they would like to do when they graduate. And that was because their school was not too far away from their place anyway. 

“I guess this is where we part ways as per usual?” 

“Yeah, see you tomorrow, and don’t study anymore. You need to sleep early if you want to survive Mr Lee’s class at 9am in the morning.” 

“Will you be studying?” Jaemin narrowed his eyes at Jeno.

“Nah… Not tonight.” 

“Sure?” 

“You can probably keep me in check anyway, our windows are right opposite each other and you’d know if I lied so I’m gonna tell you now that I’ll resume studying tomorrow.”

Jaemin let out a dramatic sigh of relief and Jeno laughed before saying, “Good night Nana, sleep well.”

“Good night and thanks for dinner, I love you!” 

At that, Jeno only shook his head at his best friend as they shared one last laugh before closing the doors of their respective houses. 

_Lee Jeno, I really do._

********

**3.[Nobody Compares To You - Gryffin, Katie Pearlman](https://open.spotify.com/track/2Un9MGFwpGdGU9yl9KOvXx?si=kiKpreNpSUm-3r_b4BOG0g)**

Looking back, Jaemin never knew why he worried so much back in high school. He thought he would never be able to make it anywhere, but here he was studying in the prestigious Yonsei University taking a degree in Sociology. As for Jeno, it was no surprise he graduated as the valedictorian and went ahead to attend the same school as Jaemin, except he chose to pursue architecture instead. It was strange, there was no doubt about that, especially since Jeno came from quite a lineage of lawyers and doctors, but Jeno only received support and love from his family anyway for taking the bold step to pursuing his interests. 

However, there were some things that never changed and that was the fact that Jaemin still harboured feelings for Jeno, but it seemed like there was absolutely no sign at all that the latter felt the same. Maybe all the little opinion articles on “How to know you are being friendzoned” that constantly popped up now and then when he revisited his old Facebook page for the fun of it did not help his case either. 

As he checked various websites and corroborated the “facts”, he realised that there were just so many signs that Jeno exhibited — the latter always had nicknames for Jaemin, the most common one being “Bro”, and whenever they watched movies using Jaemin’s portable projector while sharing a bed, Jeno always made sure to put something in between the two of them, and not to mention that while Jeno never really wanted to do what Jaemin wanted, the other was always ready to accommodate to Jeno’s needs. There were just so many signs that Jaemin did not even bother looking for possible loopholes anymore and all that was left to do was to take this secret to the grave. 

They had been friends for so long now, there was no point risking it over what could possibly be fleeting feelings that were instigated by hormones. Jaemin was always the slightly braver one of the two, but he knew, deep down, that there was always a fine and blurred line between bravery and stupidity. 

He was not doing it. He simply could not. 

After opening up about his problems to Jaehyun, who was now well on his way to marrying Doyoung after being engaged for 3 years, all the latter could do was sympathise and provide what he deemed to be practical advice — “Go meet new people, Jaemin. University’s for you to explore your options in some sense and besides, there’s many fishes in the sea. As terrible as this might seem to sound, Jeno’s not the only one.” 

It was not long before Jaemin found his first boyfriend, Lee Haechan, in the second half of his second year. They had been friends for a while, hailing from the same orientation group when they first joined, despite Haechan majoring in Theatre Arts, and they never really had anything more other than the occasional small talk (Haechan was constantly busy with productions and cheer practice anyway), lunches and dinners, as well as the small gestures such as Jaemin ensuring that Haechan’s voice was in tip top condition by bringing him snacks, honey lemon drinks and propolis pills, and Haechan making sure that Jaemin ate well and never skipped his meals. Sometimes, when time allowed it, they found themselves having late night conversations that lasted until the wee hours of the morning, and perhaps it is this that explained their gradually growing feelings for each other. 

The process was extremely slow when young love came to mind, but they truly hit it off right after Jaemin’s speed skating national competition when they went for dinner together and had the chance to open up about their feelings. Haechan was everything to Jaemin, he really was, ranging from his first kiss to his first horror movie experience to the first time he ever had a chance to scream about his grievances from a rooftop, but more importantly, it helped Jaemin to forget the feelings he had for Jeno. 

And for once, he was happy. 

As for Jeno, he too found his own love story as he watched Jaemin find his, and it was all in a Chinese transfer student by the name of Huang Renjun. If their friends were to be honest, it was almost awkward seeing the two together as their personalities seemed like oil and water — Jeno always exuded energy of gentleness while Renjun was a little more on the savage side and always seemed like he would pick a fight with just about anyone who crossed him. However, as time went on, one had to admit that they were actually pretty adorable in the way they cared for each other, though they sure had a strange way of showing it. Similar to Jaemin, Jeno too experienced so many firsts with Renjun with first kisses and experiencing dates related to museums and art. 

Unfortunately, it was as if fate had other plans for the happy couples. On Jaemin’s end, Haechan’s constantly hectic schedule as a consistent lead in plays and a tumbler in the cheerleading team had clearly gotten in the way of their relationship, and after a while, they just stopped trying to make it work. Jaemin was a man of affection, meaning that he needed someone whom he could constantly shower all his love and care, but that someone was just not Haechan. The latter soon found love in a Canadian transfer, Mark Lee, who was the man behind-the-scenes of the plays and the center of the basketball team, and that was when Jaemin and Haechan decided it was the right time to end things. Jaemin's heart ached as he said his last goodbye and he had to admit that he did shed a tear or two as he sobbed into his pillow that night.

For Jeno’s case, it seemed to have slipped both of their minds that Renjun was a transfer student, which meant that after he had completed the semester, he was going to go back to China and the two would be in a long-distance relationship. It worked for the first few months as they tried their best to call each other as much as they could, but Renjun knew what Jeno was like — He needed his significant other to be by his side physically, and Renjun knew deep down that it could not be him, and so took the initiative to end their relationship over a 5-minute video call. Contrary to Jaemin’s, their relationship ended with the saltiness of their tears, way more than a dozen tissues and a lot of questions. 

“Do you really need to do this? Why can’t we just find a way to work this out?” Jeno said in between broken sobs, “I only have about 2 years left and I can hop over —”

“No Jeno, you can’t and besides, I know you. Deep down, you know very well that Seoul is where you truly belong. It’s the same for me. I’m sorry Jeno, we cannot keep seeing each other anymore.” Renjun responded, trying to sound like the logical one between the two, but it was clear that his resolve was about to crumble too. In fact, if this call went on for any longer, Renjun knew that he would not be able to deny Jeno. It needed to end, right now. 

“C-could w-we still be f-f-friends?” 

Renjun sighed and he felt a tear cascading down his cheek as he said his final words with as strong of a voice as he could muster, “Of course we can. Just not now. It’s too soon. Once we’ve accepted what needs to happen, we can —”

Jeno never let him finish. 

As the days went by, Jaemin had already gone back to his own friendly self. He no longer found himself finding the need to eat his heart out with ice cream or blast sad music in his room and instead resorted to surrounding himself with friends and family. Jeno was the exact opposite as he spent most of the time either burying his head in his books to the point of exhaustion or spent most of his time in bed mindlessly scrolling through the old texts he shared with Renjun, pictures that they took that he had kept in his hard drive and stalking Renjun’s Instagram. Jaemin was worried for his best friend, afraid that he would lose his mind one day, but for some reason, Jaemin never had the courage to provide some form of comfort to Jeno, other than asking if he was okay verbally. 

Then again, one had to admit that it was difficult to show care for a friend who replied curtly to your concern and slam the door on your face. Jaemin was at wit’s end at this point and other than them sharing the dining table for dinner, it was as if he never saw his roommate anymore. Jeno was just an empty shell of himself and Jaemin could not help but notice how Jeno’s eyes looked empty while his skin looked ashened and his cheeks sunken. It ate Jaemin up, but he simply did not know what to do. 

Until now. 

He was not doing anything in particular, just catching up on his readings before lectures the next day, and that was when he received a message from Haechan. At the notification, he was hesitant, but mustered the courage to read what his ex-lover had to say, and if he were to be frank, he was not disappointed one bit.

“Hey Jaemin. I know it’s been a while since we last talked but I hope you have been well. You don’t need to respond to this and I would totally understand, but Mark said that I should probably tell you the things I did not have the courage to say. I want to apologise for everything and it was probably cruel of me to find new love so quickly. I can only imagine how much hurt that must have brought you and you deserve not only someone who loves you for you, but someone whom you yourself truly love too. As much as you tried to hide it, I knew better. You still had feelings for Jeno when we were together, and I bet you still do. Seriously, you didn’t do a very good job at being subtle, because whenever you spoke about him, your tone of voice got a lot higher, your eyes sparkled and your smile only got wider. If I have to be completely honest, it did hurt a little to know that I wasn’t your world. Nevertheless, I hope you’d actually be a man one day and should I say, chase your dreams? That’s what you’ve always wanted to do, no? We’re 22 now, trust me, it’s the perfect time to do it.” 

Jaemin had never moved so fast in his life but here he was, closing his laptop and looking through his wardrobe for a decent outfit to wear. On usual days, he very much preferred to simply throw on a graphic t-shirt, his favourite light blue jeans and white Vans. Today, however, he decided that he was truly done being sad, and decided to dress a little fancier by throwing on a simple blue and white striped shirt over a plain white t-shirt, which he tucked in, and dark blue jeans. As he looked at himself in the mirror, he could not help but to smile at his reflection. 

Today was going to mark a brand new beginning, Jaemin thought, but he was not going to do it alone.

Without much hesitation, which surprised even Jaemin himself, he walked over to Jeno’s room and simply barged in, only to find the latter hunched over the same assignment that he had been working on for the past 3 days, day in, day out. In fact, Jaemin was not supposed to know this, given how much time Jeno spent in his room wallowing in self-pity with his door locked, but there were times he simply forgot, and Jaemin always made it a point to check on him, even at ungodly hours to at least make sure his friend was still alive. He understood that Jeno was hurting, but if he were to be completely honest, he missed the old Jeno who never failed to have a bright smile on his face that never failed to reach his eyes. He missed having someone who never got tired of his ramblings, even in the wee hours of the morning. He missed having someone who constantly nagged him for his high sugar and caffeine intake every single morning, but just left him to do what he wants anyway, albeit with a shaking head and a sigh. 

In other words, Jaemin just missed living with a person, not the shell of the human he used to be. There were times when he found himself despising Renjun for causing Jeno to be in such a state, but Jaemin always had a soft spot in his heart, it was the mentality he grew up with, that such times would pass and perhaps Renjun did not break all there is to Jeno. And surprisingly, Jaemin’s patience paid off once again on this very bright and sunny Sunday afternoon.

“Jen, do you want to step out?” Jaemin asked, caution evident in his tone as if he was walking on eggshells, all after lying flat on Jeno’s soft and pristine white sheets. And it was no surprise that Jeno did not pay Jaemin any attention, not until Jaemin got up and waved his hand frantically in Jeno’s face.

“Hello, did you not hear what I said?”

“I can’t,” Jeno responded in a flat tone, “I have to submit this by Wednesday. Sorry Nana, you can go on your own if you want.”

“Jen, you clearly need some fresh air. Doesn’t an artist need to get out once in a while for the sake of inspiration? You’ve been working on this assignment for 3 days and if I were to be completely objective, you haven’t made much progress the last time I checked.”

_That’s true._

“C’mon, let’s just go out for a day. If need be, I’ll not bother you for the next 3 days, as long as you spend the day with me. There’s no time to mope around Jen, life’s short, so why not make full use of the time while we’re young, when we have the energy to, and attractive? I’m done with sadness and I hope you are too, because I don’t really want to embark on this life changing journey alone.”

Jeno only chuckled a little after hearing what Jaemin had to say, and the latter could not help but heave a sigh of relief when Jeno actually left his desk and walked to his closet to pick out something to wear. In fact, Jaemin was so happy seeing Jeno moving about for once that he could not help but feel his lips curl up into his wide and iconic boxy smile. 

“Why are you smiling so widely?” Jeno asked in amusement, a small smile still etched on his face too as he made his way to the bathroom to freshen up. 

_Oops, got ahead of myself there._

“N-nothing,” Jaemin stammered, “J-just go get changed and hurry up Jen, I’m hungry!”

The latter’s laugh only echoed in the distance, but he did as he was told, and showed up ready to go in a record time of 15 minutes. When Jaemin looked up, he felt himself immediately starstruck with Jeno’s simple yet polished appearance, contrary to the fact that he was only wearing black clothing prior to this, with a black Rolling Stones t-shirt that was tucked in, blue jeans, a red and black striped belt and a yellow baseball cap. 

“I thought you said you were hungry?” Jeno asked cheekily, and that was all it took to snap Jaemin out of his embarrassing reverie once again. 

The two boys did not have any plan in mind and simply decided to go with the flow, but they had to deal with their topmost priority first — curbing their hunger. Hence, after much deliberation, they decided to treat themselves this time around, with Jaemin’s excuse being that they had gone through too much as of late, and headed to the foot of Namsan Tower to feast on the signature Michelin-star bibimbap that both Jaehyun and Doyoung recommended. By now, it was no surprise that the pair shared similar tastes by now, and the both of them ordered a scrumptious set meal of bibimbap, tender and juicy bulgogi, and a refreshing cup of iced Yuzu. They barely spoke to one another, focusing more on taking photos of their food (and each other, which Jeno did not mind complying to for once) and wolfing down their meal once that supposed “priority” of taking pictures was out of the way. 

After that, they decided, without much thought at all, to head down to the nearest PC cafe which was just 5 minutes away, just like what they used to do during the summer holidays in high school. It was like a pleasant walk down memory lane and as they made themselves comfortable in the booths, each ordering a cup of coffee, they went through the ever nostalgic motion of logging into their PUBG and League of Legends accounts and played all the way till the sun went down, which they paid no attention to. During this time, Jaemin simply could not help stealing quick glances at Jeno, who had his eyebrows furrowed, a piercing gaze and slightly pouty lips as the games went on. It was adorable to say the least, but nothing could beat that signature smile that went all the way up to his eyes when he won against an opponent. It felt like it had been months since he saw his best friend’s face light up like the sun and it was not long before Jaemin realised that he had an equally wide, if not wider, smile too. 

By the time the pair left the PC cafe, the sky was already in the last few minutes of the blue hour, and the crowd had definitely grown exponentially over the hours that they had spent in the cafe, all seemingly rushing to either get home from a long day at work or to meet with friends and family in the many eateries along the streets of Myeongdong. 

“Feeling better?” Jaemin asked, and Jeno only closed his eyes, took a deep breath of the cool night air and nodded. 

Jaemin was relieved, but they were back to square one. What were they going to do now? Frankly, the both of them were far from hungry, still coming down from the high of such an intense gaming session, and they figured that the crowd was just not what they needed at the moment. All it took though was an exchange of looks and with wide smiles on their faces once again, they knew exactly where they were going and what they were going to do next. 

And that was none other than going night cycling by the Hangang River. 

They used to do that every weekend when they became friends at the age of 6, of course with Doyoung and Jaehyun in tow, and after cycling for an hour straight, the four boys would simply sit on a picnic mat on the lush grass by the side of the river armed with snacks, drinks and juices as they admired the city skyline. In fact, they did that all the way until Jeno and Jaemin entered high school, while Doyoung and Jaehyun took off to the US to obtain their degrees. The former pair wished they could still commit to this routine but CSAT preparations were taking a toll on them then, and even when they had promised to go back to it after they graduated, they never got around to going back to the routine anyway. Maybe it was because they thought they could have more time in university to themselves, only to end up being swarmed with assignments, or perhaps it was their new love lives that they were so happily living at one point in time. Whatever the case, they were happy to have had this one opportunity to live out the good ol’ days once again.

Like they always say, the past no longer mattered, simply focus all your energy on the present and the future, you will be much happier that way. And frankly, this statement cannot be more true at this point in time. 

“We’re sorry sir,” The staff from the bike shop owner responded in a slightly panicked tone, “We’re out of ordinary bicycles to rent and since there’s two of you, we only have the tandem bikes left. We understand it might be a little strange —”

“Not to worry,” Jaemin replied in a warm tone and his signature boxy smile, “We’ll still take it. I’d say we’re pretty good cyclists so we’ll be able to balance, right Jeno?” 

“If you say so.” Jeno shrugged and Jaemin, with a playful glint in his eyes, paid the young staff member, who was probably only in his first year of high school, and took all that was necessary — the bike and two sleek black helmets with reflective strips, which he handed one to Jeno. It barely took them 5 minutes to get ready and after a game of scissors-paper-stone, it was decided that Jaemin would be in the front taking the lead. Despite Jeno knowing that this was probably a terrible idea, he still went with it seeing how Jaemin was so excited to be at the front, but he was also far from surprised when they ended up being terribly uncoordinated. In retrospect, it was to the point that they almost cycled straight into the Han River and gained the attention of both very amused and curious onlookers. 

“You know, if I was in front, this wouldn’t have happened.” Jeno spoke with a slightly teasing tone as he watched his best friend clearly struggling to ensure that they were at least better balanced and coordinated. 

“Okay, almighty and powerful Lee Jeno,” Jaemin retorted in between huffs and puffs, before stopping the bike entirely to glare at the pilant, “You could do a lot better at being a living example rather than someone who’s just going to provide unnecessary commentary, thank you very much.”

Jeno only laughed heartily and shook his head, before getting up and saying, “Get up, I’ll take over.” with a wide smile on his face. Jaemin was genuinely surprised, and even though his heart skipped a beat looking at the way Jeno’s face looked so much brighter, he was able to make way for the latter without tripping over himself and finally allowing Jeno to officially take the reins.

Turns out, they should have decided on this arrangement a long time ago. 

It was not long until they reached the convenience store that was located right smack in the middle of the park and that was when the grumble of their stomachs could be heard, hence, without further ado, they parked the bike securely near the entrance of the store and went in to decide on what they were going to have for dinner. Once again, it was no surprise that they almost picked the same thing, with the difference being their choice of condiments. Jaemin preferred stronger tasting foods in his ramen, picking up preserved squid and aged kimchi, while Jeno preferred simpler and more cliche foods, and so he ended up throwing in a hanjuku egg and two processed cheese slices into the basket. However, just as they were about to pay for their meals and drinks after asking the cashier for two pieces of fried chicken, Jeno walked up to Jaemin with six cans of Hite beer and placed it into the basket with that same small smile on his face.

“Since when did you drink?” Jaemin asked, concern evident in his tone, especially when he knew that Jeno was a lightweight where alcohol was concerned. He had spent too much time after Jeno’s breakup taking care of a drunken architecture student who could get quite a hangover the next morning over 3 cans of beer, and frankly, while he did not actually mind, he also had an essay due in the next few days and so did Jeno with his architecture assignment. As sophomores in university who were still in the middle of the school term, there was simply no time for that. 

“I don’t,” Jeno replied with a shrug, “But like you said this afternoon, we’re done with sadness and we should make full use of our time while we’re young and attractive, no? Figured alcohol would be the best way to do just that.”

Jaemin did not have any answer, but it was only then did he realise that he had spent so much time being distracted by Jeno’s monologue that he had failed to pay for this meal. Even though it was nothing fancy or expensive, it was supposed to be Jeno’s day according to Jaemin, so in his mind, he wanted to make sure that he was the one to pay for the two. In fact, it was only right to do so, given that he was the one who had practically forced Jeno out of the house, regardless, the latter still had the last laugh, and all Jaemin could do was simply squint at Jeno’s look of mischief clearly written all over his face. 

Over a very simple, yet hearty dinner, the pair used this time to make small talk, filling in the blanks about their lives to the other. It seemed to be an unspoken rule that they were not going to talk about their exes tonight and it was just going to be about each other and themselves. Jaemin spoke passionately about what his latest assignment was about and even though Jeno had absolutely no idea what the other was talking about, he was all ears, nodding in between mouthfuls of noodles to show that he was listening. Similarly, Jaemin had no clue about the laments of an architecture student, but Jeno’s voice was still music to his ears anyway, and with that, he could listen to Jeno talk for hours on end. The 6 cans of beer were still left in the plastic bag, untouched, once they were done with their dinner, but they figured that there would definitely be a better place for them.

And of course they did, choosing to take a break underneath one of the largest rain trees growing at the side of the river after cycling again for another 45 minutes. Even though there were many trees that looked just like the one that Jeno and Jaemin now sat under, they were fairly confident that it was the same one they sat underneath when they were young boys. There was no explanation for it and it was just an intangible connection that they felt with this particular tree. Once again, they resumed talking about everything under the sun as they sat underneath the twinkling night sky overlooking the city skyline, and truth be told, the two boys had never felt so relaxed and free until today. 

However, given that alcohol was now thrown into the mix, that was when they found themselves starting to break their one and only unspoken rule of the night. Yet, the two of them, especially Jeno, seemed to be aware of the fact that whatever happened between them and their exes needed to be accepted and perhaps talking about it was the quickest way to get around this one obstacle. While Jaemin was a little more quiet and had now taken on the role of the listening ear, Jeno wore his heart on his sleeve and expressed just how much Renjun meant to him while they were together. It was clear in his tone and his glassy eyes that he had envisioned Renjun to be his partner until the both of them were old and grey, and as Jaemin listened on, he too felt his heart ache for the sake of his best friend. Jeno was an emotional boy on the inside, so it should not have been much of a surprise, but Jaemin still felt it anyway. 

“I still miss him, Nana, I really do.”

It was not long before Jeno had become nothing but a bumbling mess to the point that he was no longer able to support his heavy head, so he resorted to doing what seemed to be the most out of his nature but the most comfortable and practical — placing his head on Jaemin’s broad shoulders. Jaemin might have stopped breathing and it definitely did not help that his heart was palpitating in his chest, as if threatening to beat right through it, and his mind was running a mile a minute. Thankfully, as if the Almighty had heard the prayers of the lovestruck boy, Jaemin’s nervousness was simply reduced to a small smile on his face. 

_Now’s the time, Na Jaemin._

“Jeno-ah…”

No response.

“Before I say anything, I just wanted to put it out there that this would probably be a lot better if you heard this while you were sober, but let’s be frank, I’d probably be too distracted with your eyes that turn into crescent moons if you smiled, or the dimples on your cheeks, and I would not have had any courage to say what I actually need to say.”

Jeno shifts to make himself comfortable once again, but his eyes were still shut and despite the dim light given off by the streetlamp nearby, Jaemin could still swear that Jeno’s eyelashes were probably one of the prettiest things he had ever seen in his lifetime. 

“Up till this day, I’m not sure if you ever noticed how I felt towards you. Growing up, you were always known to be the quieter one between the two of us, and yet, you were also the more observant one, noticing things that I always failed to notice, simply because I was just too caught up in the whole chaos of things. In my mind, I honestly wished that this was the one thing you would never catch on, just so that I could love you in peace without constantly being haunted by the thought that I might be well on the way to destroying what we already had. Then again, based on all the WikiHow articles and Reddit threads that I spent so much time reading, it seemed like everything would be okay. Sure, I did feel a sting when I read that there was a chance you would never reciprocate my feelings, but somehow, I accepted that and settled with the fact that as long as I had you, everything would simply fall into place eventually.”

Jaemin took a breath as the mood of his monologue turned into something a little more solemn.

“I still remember the day you came home looking like the happiest version of yourself that the world ever saw. At first, I thought it was because you scored an A-grade for the project that you spent so many sleepless nights on to the point that you fell terribly ill and I could not wait to celebrate it with you, but when you gave me a hug telling me that Renjun reciprocated your feelings, I felt as if my heart had just shattered into smithereens. Call me sappy and dramatic, but it was as if the world stopped moving, and yet, when you looked at me with so much joy, I could not help but return that same smile too, even when it did not reach my eyes. I was heartbroken but seeing how happy you were with him, it was only right that I supported the relationship for your sake — all that even if it left a bitter taste on my tongue.”

A lone tear cascaded down Jaemin’s face at the bittersweet memory, followed by another, but all it took was one look at Jeno’s unconscious form that elicited a small smile once again. 

“When I found Haechan, I honestly thought I could forget all my feelings for you and we would simply go back to being best friends as if nothing had ever happened. Well… We all know how this ended, with the both of us having to end the relationships with the people we thought we would spend our entire lives with. It was so painful seeing you so broken and there was a point in time when I hated Renjun for breaking so much of you over a call, but after today, I think I have to take that back because it’s clear that he did not break all of you and for that, I’m grateful. Truth be told, all I needed was a push from Haechan this afternoon, and now here we are, reliving the memories that we took so long to do all over again. And here we are, back to square one… because I realise that I still love you, even after all this time.”

Jeno said nothing. In fact, it was clear that he was in no capacity to do so, but at that confession, he only snuggled closer to Jaemin’s side to bask in the warmth that the latter exuded — it was his way of acknowledging his best friend’s heartfelt monologue in his own quiet way. 

********

**4.[With You - Chris Brown](https://open.spotify.com/track/5Lgcn7u07bHuqbOtXkN62u?si=CDBQoEL1SJisL_P7_mdQMw)**

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

Jaemin groaned at the shrill beeping of his alarm, and despite feeling heavy with sleep and overall exhaustion, he knew that there was no way he would be able to fall asleep again. He was known to be an extremely heavy sleeper who could probably sleep through an appendix surgery and natural disasters, so one had to admit that it was a pleasant surprise he would wake up within the first 3 rings of his alarm. And besides, it did not help that he had a growling stomach waiting to be fed, a result from all the intense activities that took place the previous night. 

At that point in time, the room’s atmosphere was far from what it is now — calm, tranquil, serene and warm, as the room bathed in the glow of the morning sun that filtered through the sheer curtains. It was clear from the way clothes were carelessly strewn all over the floor, though it sure did look like it was mapping a clear path from the door to the bed at quick glance, and how condom wrappers had ended up around the dustbin instead of the inside. Jaemin could not help the fact that his cheeks and ears were already exuding warmth at the memory and just as he was about to get up, it was just as if he remembered that there was another warm body lying right next to him with his head on Jaemin’s chest and his arms wrapped tightly around the latter’s waist. In all honesty, Jaemin never expected this to happen between the two of them, but as he thought about it for a little while longer, he would not mind more mornings like this one. 

At the slightest ruse from Jaemin, Jeno’s eyebrows furrowed immediately in irritation and his grip on the former’s waist only grew tighter as he said in a husky but whiny voice, “Stop moving, I don’t want to get up yet.”

Jaemin only chuckled at Jeno’s cuteness, resorting to running his fingers through Jeno’s messy locks. That seemed to be what Jeno really liked most as he leaned in more to Jaemin’s touch, wiggling closer to him, as if that was remotely possible given that there was practically no available space between the two of them anymore, and hoping to find another comfortable angle to sleep in. It was absolutely adorable and as much as Jaemin and Jeno could probably afford to laze around all day, the moment was soon shattered by the loud growl coming from Jaemin’s stomach. 

“Come on, it’s already 9.30am and the hotel’s breakfast closes at 10am. Our favourite couple kindly sponsored us a room and breakfast and I doubt I want to miss that. And besides, they said that the breakfast in this hotel is good too.”

Jeno groaned at Jaemin’s words, but as his stomach began to growl too, he knew that it was only a matter of time before he himself would start to complain that he was hungry and regret missing the supposedly scrumptious breakfast right after. And so despite feeling as if his eyelids were made of lead, he managed to find the sufficient willpower within himself to at least roll off the bed and land unceremoniously on the carpeted floor. He looked very much like a sleepy puppy, even though his chiselled abs and defined pecs were now decorated with red and purple bruises, courtesy of Jaemin. Then again, all it took was for Jaemin to look down at himself and realise that he was a mirror image of Jeno, with the only difference being that he had a lot more marks on his neck, which he only noticed when he stared at the mirror with eyes as wide as saucers. 

“Oh my god, Jeno, how am I going to cover all these up? Not only are we going to attract the guests who are probably going to wonder why we are so late to breakfast, but I did not bring any turtlenecks either and I’m way too lazy to look for my concealer. And why are you laughing?”

Jeno was now keeping Jaemin locked in place as he stood at the back with the same robust arms wrapped around the latter’s waist, and he could not help but to chuckle seeing the panicked expression on Jaemin’s waist, hiding his face in Jaemin’s broad shoulders. He really tried to stifle his laughter, but it was clear in the way his body shook that he was doing a terrible job, and that was enough to break Jaemin’s resolve.

_Ding dong!_

“Room service!”

The pair looked at each other, confusion written all over their faces, simply because there was no way they were in the state to order any form of food at least half an hour ago. 

“I’ll get it.” Jeno said as he grabbed a bathrobe from the wardrobe to cover his half naked body and tied a ribbon around his waist. The last thing he wanted to do was to surprise the poor hotel staff so early in the morning with signs of activity the previous night, and besides, that sight was only meant for Jaemin and Jaemin only.

“Good morning sir! I hope you have had a restful night!” The staff greeted enthusiastically, but he was also quick to notice that Jeno was clearly wondering why they were entitled to room service when they did not order anything, and so he continued, “Ah, you must be confused. Don’t worry, Mr Jeong and Mr Kim were the ones who asked us to deliver all this to your room. They mentioned that the two of you are avid gamers, and probably played till late to the point that you might not make it down for breakfast, so here we are with the food. I’ll roll the trolley to the table over there and once you are done, you can just leave it outside.”

Jeno wanted to laugh, memories flooding back to the happenings of last night, but he held himself together and made way for the staff member to bring the food in smoothly without bumping into anything or tripping over any fabrics. Indeed, there was a large array of food on all 3 tiers of the trolley, ranging from toasted bread with a gazillion spreads, to pancakes, to the traditional all american breakfast foods, to desserts. Jeno’s eyes immediately lit up at the sight and he could not wait to dig into all the food, together with Jaemin of course. 

“Enjoy! Oh, and here’s a letter from Mr Jeong to his younger brother. Please pass it to him on my behalf.”

And with that, the staff member went on his way as Jeno looked at the envelope in his hand, clearly addressed to Jaemin. 

“Wow.” Jaemin exclaimed, “That’s all for us?”

Jeno nodded, and in that process, he found himself enamoured with the way Jaemin looked after he had freshened up with a quick rinse. His damp hair hung over his eyes messily, a result from the way he liked to ruffle his hair with the towel to dry it, and his slightly tanned skin seemed to glisten beautifully in the morning light. In other words, Jeno could probably kiss him there and then right now. 

“I’ll go wash up and oh, Jaehyun hyung addressed this to you.” Jeno handed the letter to Jaemin, but not before he could give a peck to Jaemin’s flushed cheeks as he made his way to the bathroom with a slight skip in his steps.

_To my dearest Nana,_

_I sound old just by writing a handwritten letter (even Doyoung agrees) but wouldn’t it be so much more sincere as compared to if I just sent you a possible 500-word expository of a text? Of course, I’m kidding, it’s 5am and it’s way too early for such sap. And besides, I already gave a proper speech at the party last night. By the way, it was clear you had lots of fun last night, like LOTS of fun._

_Anyway, I just wanted to thank you for being such an amazing younger brother ever since you came into this world. You’ve been incredibly supportive of my endeavours, as well as my relationship with Doyoung and frankly, without you, I don’t really think our parents would approve of this relationship as much as they do now. Ever since you were a young boy, I always knew you to be the one who was truly fearless and so, so positive, and trust me when I say that I do admire those qualities in you. I’m sorry if I fell short in some ways as an older brother, given that I could not be physically there when you went through your first heartbreak or when you graduated from high school — a significant sign that you were going to become an adult soon, but I do hope that I was still able to be seen as a reliable source of support for you during those times. Oh, and not to mention that you have actually forgiven me for my absence. In a nutshell, I cannot be more grateful for the amount of joy you’ve brought into my life. Trust me when I say that you’ll always be my baby brother no matter what happens._

_Doyoung’s starting to rush me because we’re supposed to catch the sunrise and I apparently took a little too long piecing this letter together, but I do hope that you were able to start your morning on a good note with the words, from the most amazing older brother, dedicated to an even more amazing mini me. Love you bro._

_P.S. I asked the room service staff to deliver breakfast to you because I doubt the both of you would be able to make it down tomorrow for the alleged 5-star meal. I received a text from Johnny and Taeil that they couldn’t really get a good night’s sleep because of all the thumping going on next door so I hoped you practiced whatever you used to preach to me._

At that revelation, Jaemin could not help but feel the heat rise to his face again and he was positive he looked more like a cooked lobster, but he soon snapped out of his reverie when he felt a weight drill into his shoulder. 

“Whoops.”

That was all it took to fill the room with hearty laughs and giggles from the pair, as well as the occasional snorts when they could simply imagine the look on the poor couple’s faces. 

“So… What do you want to do today?” Jaemin asked in between bites of croissant and jam. He had been to Hawaii before for a trip with Jaehyun during both of their summer breaks, but this was Jeno’s first time here. He also knew that Jeno had done quite a bit of research as he was just that excited about the trip, and even if he had been to those places before, he would not actually mind going to all those places again. 

“Hmm… Why don’t we take it slow today? We could simply take a walk in town, laze by the beach, drink cocktails and enjoy the crystal clear water. Sounds nice, no?”

“Don’t you want to do anything more? We’re not here for very long and it’ll be such a waste if you didn’t get the chance to explore more of what they call ‘Paradise’.”

“Nah…” Jeno shook his head, gently spreading peanut butter onto his toast, “It seems like you could use the rest too. Do I have to remind you that you were technically like the guest-of-honour?”

Jaemin only smiled at the comment, feeling his heart swell at Jeno’s care and concern. Even when the latter was a little less expressive showing his care and love through words, he never failed to show it through his actions and frankly, that was more than enough for Jaemin. 

He was not sure what kind of courage washed over him right after but instead of saying a simple thanks, Jaemin decided to give Jeno a quick peck on his pursed lips, tasting a mix of sweetness from the apple jam and bitterness from Jeno’s coffee. At that, it was now Jeno’s turn to be seen as a cooked lobster as his whole head became progressively redder, and Jaemin could not help but coo at the sight. 

“I love you so much, Jeno, you don’t even know.” Jaemin said, with as much conviction as he could muster, and in the most gentle and loving voice ever. 

“I know.”

********

**5.** [ **This Promise - Sam Tsui, Casey Breves** ](https://open.spotify.com/track/0cuXS3hb2CAe7P5x6ex8MH?si=ikmbc3MWT2CBJ30o0f48sw)

Fast forwarding another 3 years into the marriage between Jaemin’s older brother, Jaehyun, and his beloved fiance-now-husband, Doyoung, it was now Jeno and Jaemin’s turn to follow in their footsteps. In retrospect, the pair had always known deep down in their hearts that they wanted to spend the rest of their lives together and figured that as soon as they graduated and settled down into the real world, the next step would be to officialise their relationship.

And they did. 

From an outsider’s perspective, it was as if it was a competition between the two as to who was going to take the initiative to propose to the other. However, one also needed to remember that they were practically two peas in a pod by this stage, so it did not come as a surprise that the both of them ended up proposing to each other on the same day at the same spot. To many, it was just a simple carnival that they had chosen to propose in, but this was not just any ordinary carnival that was held once a year in line with the Seoul Fireworks Festival; it was an event that held so much of the best memories for Jeno and Jaemin. It was the one event they had actually always committed to, using it as a way to forget about the stresses of life for once, as all they had to do was to eat, enjoy the live music under the fairy lights and of course, watch the fireworks, which at least half of Seoul came to watch. Another thing that they found interesting was observing the way they celebrated this one day — back then, they would stuff their faces with candy and all things sweet, but as they grew older, they preferred a good ol’ burger, with a side of fries and a mocktail. Back then, the both of them practically begged Jaehyun to let them go on all the rides and now, they very much preferred to walk around aimlessly or even better, sit down and talk while waiting for fireworks to be shot into the air and brighten the night sky. 

On the day of the proposal, it was obvious that the both of them had planned something for the other and seemed beyond antsy when they realised that the things they did for the other were similar as to what they had in mind. Examples included the both of them bringing a bouquet of the other’s favourite flowers for each other and the fact that the both of them wanted to pay for the meals for the both of them. Sure, it seemed normal, but on a special day, it was anything but normal. If they were to be completely honest, the both of them would have admitted that they were a little annoyed at the other for “ruining their plans”, but all in all, it was clear that it was truly a day of love and appreciation, and they could not have been happier at the chance of still keeping up with the tradition and spending time with whom they loved to the moon and back.

Jaemin checked the time on his phone and once he realised that there was about 10 minutes to the premiere of the year’s fireworks showcase, he snapped Jeno out of his happy bubble as he grabbed his wrist and pulled him, despite the protests that they had already secured the best seats, to one of the new attractions this month, and it was none other than the Ferris Wheel. 

Now this was something that Jeno did not expect, but seeing at how wide Jaemin grinned, he just went along with his boyfriend’s antics, and before he knew it, they were sitting opposite one another in a cabin and the ferris wheel was off. 

It was exactly 9pm by the time their cabin reached the top and that was when the ferris wheel came to an abrupt halt. Jeno nearly jumped out of his skin when it happened, hands flying to grab the sides so that he could stabilise himself. As for Jaemin, he only laughed at the sight of Jeno losing his balance, before going ahead to mock the latter and as a response, all he got was playful smack to the shoulder and a slight glare from him. Nevertheless, Jeno did not fail to catch Jaemin’s mischievous glint, as if he had something up his sleeves and unfortunately, as if the universe was simply not on his side, the fireworks started. As compared to last year, this spectacle seemed to be a lot more elegant, just like how Jeno liked it, with minimal colour. The both of them always found themselves to be mesmerised by the way the fireworks decorated the night sky, and once Jaemin knew that Jeno’s focus was clearly shifted elsewhere, he started fiddling for the red velvet box that he had managed to hide so well in the inner pockets of his jacket. 

And that was when it happened. 

“Jeno-yah, will you do the honour of becoming my one and only?” 

Jeno’s eyes widened to the size of golfballs at the sight of what the fireworks had just spelt out and when he turned to his left, that was when he found Jaemin on one knee looking at him with so much endearment, as if he had the whole universe in his eyes. The former was known for having seemingly dry eyes but he sure knew that if this went on any longer, he would have actually cried out of happiness. 

“Jeno, my knees are starting to hurt so… what’s your answer?” Jaemin grimaced, and Jeno could not help but to smile his widest smile before answering with a convincing and resounding “Yes”. 

Jaemin was all ready to kiss the daylights of his boyfriend-turned-fiance, but Jeno pushed him away gently and signalled him to wait, only to whip out what looked like the same velvety box.

“You’ve got to be kidding.” Jaemin responded, astonishment clear in his voice. Jeno only shrugged with a wide smile on his face, eyes turning into crescent moons as he knelt on one knee to propose to the other.

“Jaemin-ah, it’s your turn now. Will you do the honour of becoming my one and only?” He asked, in the most gentle, soft and loving tone that Jaemin had ever heard. The latter knew how hard this must have been for Jeno, who showed his love and care through his actions rather than words, and the thought was enough to have tears welling up in his eyes and streaming down his face.

“Yes.” Jaemin choked in between sobs, and he immediately found himself in Jeno’s warm embrace, soft chuckles clear in his ear.

“I didn’t mean to make you cry. Look at me, it’s supposed to be a happy occasion right?” Jeno spoke again as he loosened his hold so that he could wipe the tears away and with that, they shared the longest and most passionate kiss that the both of them had ever experienced, completely oblivious to the fact that the cabin had started moving again to take them down. When they stepped out, they were greeted with cheers from friends and family that they had not expected to see, and while they were beyond shocked, Jaemin could not help but notice his brother at the back giving him a subtle thumbs up and a proud smile etched upon his face. 

As the week progressed, there were even more surprises that came the couple’s way and it came in the form of the fact that both sets of parents, together with Jaehyun and Doyoung, had already sponsored the engagement party to be held in the Maldives. Now, all Jaemin and Jeno had to do was to invite their guests and frankly, the both of them had no trouble and conflict over who they were going to invite. At this point of their lives, they had become friends with each other’s friends, and even though their guest list was small, the now engaged pair knew that it was going to be a fruitful trip with the people that truly mattered. 

The Maldives was truly a beautiful place to be and it could actually come close to being considered “Paradise” too, just like Hawaii, with crystal clear blue seas that stretched far and wide, cerulean blue skies and despite the sun, there was still quite the adequate amount of wind. In their minds, this was the perfect weather for some fun out in the sun, which was clearly the whole intention of this trip. In fact, when Jaemin asked why they had picked this place, the answer was simple — reduce travelling time and jetlag so that everyone could spend a lot more time with each other.

Over the course of the trip, Jeno and Jaemin had done so much together, and they were more than grateful that the guests had given them more than ample personal space. With that, they were able to do so much together, from sea walking, to basking in the island’s culture at the local market, to going for a day trip out to the safari that was located 3 hours away from the resort. In fact, there were only so few activities in which the couple joined the guests which included a cooking class and a day of island hopping, only to end the day with a beautiful view of the sunset on the most pristine yacht they could ever imagine. 

On the day of the engagement party, it seemed like most of them had the same dress code in mind. Instead of stuffy suits, all of them showed up in loose fitting chiffon shirts and a variation of dark jeans and slacks. As for Jeno and Jaemin, the both of them showed up in the insanely expensive hawaiian patterned shirts that Jaehyun and Doyoung had got for them with matching white pants. Once again, it was no surprise at how quick all the guests got along with one another and time seemed to fly by in a blink of an eye with good food, light alcohol and table games, which only resulted in boisterous laughter and shouts of excitement underneath the beautiful structure that the resort had set up for them. One by one, the guests took their leave and soon it was just Jeno and Jaemin left at the beach, facing the sea as the two of them took in the fresh air with closed eyes and held hands. 

“Jeno-yah, are you sleepy yet?”

Jeno shook his head with a smile on his face as he pulled Jaemin closer to him so that he could give a peck on the latter’s cheek. Once again, he was not too expressive with his affection but it was probably the alcohol starting to talk as time went by. 

“Great! Come on, I have another surprise for you.”

And at Jaemin grabbing his wrist, the two whisked away down the beach that was not too far from where they were initially, but the space was a lot more intimate and private for the engaged couple. There was a striped picnic mat held together at the corners by 4 relatively huge candle jars and 2 portable speakers that played acoustic soft guitar and piano tunes, perfect for the atmosphere that they were experiencing. Jaemin wasted no time in throwing his shoes off and lying flat on the mat, with his arm supporting his head, as he used his other hand to pat the spot next to him. 

“You know, we’ve said time and time again that we should stargaze but there’s really nothing to look at back home so here we are. I’m pretty sure we can see a lot more.”

As the both of them laid down in comfortable silence, mesmerised by the wide variety of stars and constellations that they could spot, Jaemin decided to break the silence by posing a few questions to Jeno. He had to admit that they were not exactly important as he knew just how much Jeno loved him, but he just wanted to know, simply out of curiosity.

“Jeno-yah…” Jaemin asked, apprehension clear as day.

“Hmm?”

“When we were younger, especially during high school and perhaps even in our early years of university, did you ever find out how I felt about you?”

Jeno was silent for a few moments, but responded as if it was a matter of fact, “Initially, I had to admit that I didn’t, simply based on the fact that you were just that friendly and caring towards everyone you knew. However, after some hints from Doyoung, that was when I realised and frankly, I was afraid because I was still figuring myself out at that point in time. I know I should have told you and you would have probably understood. Instead, I resorted to showing signs that would prevent you from being led on. I thought it would not hurt you, but I guess I was wrong.”

It was clear that Jeno’s guilt was getting the better of him, but Jaemin did not want him to bear such a burden anymore, especially when they were beginning a new chapter of their lives. However, instead of saying it out loud like he would usually do, he simply took Jeno’s hand in his and gave it a reassuring squeeze.

“By the time I was actually ready to accept my own feelings towards you, it was the day when you came home talking about Haechan and how you felt like the two of you could become something more than just friends. And so I kept it to myself and along the way, that’s when I met Renjun who somehow managed to fill that void during the time we were together. Sadly, that didn’t last but now that we think about it, and I know this is going to sound terrible, maybe it was just meant to be?”

“That’s funny,” Jaemin responded, eyes still staring up into the starry night sky, “Looks like our stories are exactly the same and do you know what that means?”

Jeno chuckled and said in a slightly teasing tone, “That we’re both idiots who were in love and were somehow too dense and cowardly to admit our feelings to one another?”

“Exactly.” 

Jaemin gave Jeno a quick peck at the corner of the latter’s lips, before snuggling closer to Jeno and wrapping his arms around his waist, and in return, Jeno gave a fluttering kiss onto Jaemin’s head. There was just so much love poured into this very moment that Jaemin, being the slightly more emotional one between the two, could have started tearing up there and then, and the thought of the journey they had to go through to reach this stage surely did not help either. 

“Nana, are you alright?”

“Yeah, I am. Thank you, Jeno, for telling me everything. I know it has not been easy, but I’m glad we got this out of the way. I love you, you know that right?”

“Of course, and I do too.” Jeno said, a small smile etched upon his face.

“Now that I think about it, maybe I’ll take those words back.” Jaemin scoffed, head still on Jeno’s chest, but he was no longer looking into Jeno’s eyes. 

“What? Why?” 

“All these years and I’ve never heard an ‘I love you too’ ever. I know you’re shy but we’re about to get married soon, Nono.” Jaemin said, though there was no real bite in his tone.

Jeno felt his cheeks heat up, and he honestly felt the guilt consume him once again, but all he could mutter at the end of the day was a soft, “Soon, Nana.”

“Promise me you’ll at least say it to me when we get married?” 

“Promise.”

And that was all it took to make Jaemin truly happy once again. 

********

**6.[8 Letters - Why Don't We](https://open.spotify.com/track/4zRZAmBQP8vhNPf9i9opXt?si=7YUfeaegSPqzewP4NnLItg)**

It was now the 8th year ever since Jeno and Jaemin got together on one relatively random night in the summer, and just a mere 3 days to their actual anniversary on the 3rd of June 2020. Despite the fact that the engagement party happened relatively long ago, Jaemin’s words continued to remain etched in Jeno’s mind, and after some encouragement from his parents, Jaehyun and Doyoung, he decided that the upcoming anniversary was the perfect time to do it — he was going to be the one to propose to Jaemin and ask the latter to be his husband. In all honesty, it was surprising to him how Jaemin had never discovered the hiding place of the ring, despite it being hidden among Jaemin’s coffee stash and the fact that his fiance makes it a point to spring clean at least once every 2 months. 

In fact, it had been there for a good 2 years, simply because Jeno had picked the ring when he was on his way home from work on one fine day in March, and collected it two weeks later at the same time after the customisation was complete. It was nothing too fancy, just a simple J ♡ J with the dates 06.03.20 engraved onto a platinum ring. Most people would have thought it would be a mistake putting the year in the design, but Jeno figured that it was the only way he was going to commit to his plan as he was left with no room to back out of it even if he wanted to. He could have hid it in better places too, but he also wanted it to be placed in a part of the house that would never fail to remind him of Jaemin. 

Jeno also had the perfect anniversary planned out in his mind where he would dedicate the entire day to spoiling Jaemin and doing whatever the latter liked. They would start off with homemade breakfast made by Jeno, who had been practicing his cooking skills when he could to make sure that he would not burn the house down by accident, followed by a day out in town playing games at the arcade, having a good lunch at a Michelin Star Korean Barbecue restaurant, singing their hearts out at a karaoke and catching the sunset at the top of Namsan Tower. Finally, the day would end at the rooftop of their old apartment block where they had spent the bulk, and more, of their university days as Jeno had already hired a personal chef to prepare the couple’s favourite food and an events company to set up the place for them to make it look like a romantic candlelight dinner under the stars (Jeno was sure to check the weather forecast). This was also the location he planned to propose in, and even though it might have seemed to fall short as compared to the proposal for their engagement, it still seemed fitting, given that this was the place that held so much of their best memories to them and most importantly, it was also the place when they decided to become a couple. 

If Jeno had planned and executed this in 2018 instead, he was confident that Jaemin would have found out a long time ago. As much as Jeno prided himself in being the more perceptive one between the two, there was absolutely no way that Jaemin could not see through Jeno’s attempts at showing a lot more affection to cover his tracks. While he knew that Jaemin would still love the event either way, it would have removed all the spark from this one special moment and because a proposal only happens once, he did not want to take his chances. Therefore, he started working on doing a lot more things for Jaemin, even though they were small, such as preparing a nice warm bath when the latter came home from a late night at work or buying him his favourite food and desserts. And when it came to the weekends, Jeno spent the time pampering Jaemin to make sure that the latter was well rested before going back to another stressful week at work, whether it was just taking him out for a short staycation in Jeju or just a short day trip out to Busan. No matter what it was, Jaemin was happy and he could not have been more touched at Jeno’s actions and proud too, for the latter realising that there was nothing embarrassing about being in love and acting on the feeling. 

Jeno was lucky enough to have Ten, a very understanding boss who prided himself in being an expert in romance, and when he heard of Jeno’s plan to ask for Jaemin’s hand in marriage, he was more than willing to give Jeno a day off on the couple’s special day. Furthermore, he had also kindly extended the deadlines for the projects that Jeno was working on, and while the latter did feel bad, Ten reassured him that it would not be an issue at all. As for Jaemin’s boss, Lee Taeyong, he was a lot more on the stricter side, but one could not blame him, especially when he was one of the board directors of KB Financial Group. Then again, as if all the stars and planets were aligned in Jeno’s favour, Taeyong and Ten were actually fiances themselves and after some convincing, Taeyong relented. However, the catch was that Jaemin would have to spend work for longer hours during the days leading up to the big day, and sadly, that was inevitable. 

At least Jaemin got a day off at the end of the day, Jeno thought, and he made it a point to treat Ten to a meal when he got back to work. 

**[nana ♡, 4:06PM]**

_jeno-yah_

_i’ll be home earlier tonight! things seemed to go as planned so i should be home just in time for supper!_

_would have loved to see you sooner and left work at 6pm but you know how it is :(_

**[jenolee, 4:30PM]**

_i just saw this message. sorry nana, i was working on my project._

_and that’s good to hear! i had a late lunch tonight with Ten hyung so i should be able to curb my hunger till then_

**[nana ♡, 4:35PM]**

_alright! can’t wait to have a proper meal with you at home for once!_

_but if you get hungry while waiting, please eat alright?_

**[jenolee, 4:36PM]**

_sure. i’ll get some groceries on my way home later. how does pasta sound for tonight?_

**[nana ♡, 4:37PM]**

_gasp, are you cooking?_

_just kidding, yes please! and can you get some ice cream along the way too? i think we’ ve run out._

**[jenolee, 4:39PM]**

_okay_

_sorry nana, i gotta go back to work. i’ll see you at home?_

**[nana ♡, 4:40PM]**

_yes you will!!_

_you are the best, i love you so much!!!_

As Jeno took a peek at his last message, he could not help but feel his lips curve up into a wide smile. Despite being together for 8 years, Jaemin still had his ways of making Jeno’s heart beat a little faster and behave like a teenager in love. It was embarrassing to say the least, and cringey, but Jeno would not have it either way. 

He was not sure how much time had passed ever since Jaemin’s last message, but what he did know was that he was done for the day and he was heading to the supermarket near the apartment to grab the ingredients for lasagna, something fancier than Jaemin’s all time favourite spaghetti bolognese, simply because the latter deserved it. And besides, he had quite a bit of time to kill anyway so he figured that he could spend more time in the kitchen today. Before concluding his grocery run, he had not forgotten to grab Jaemin’s favourite chocolate ice cream. In fact, he decided to buy two tubs of it, knowing that one tub was probably going to be finished over a movie or Netflix streaming. 

Jeno felt exceptionally good today, for some reason he himself could not comprehend, and it was hard not to notice the way he walked home with a skip in his steps. It was indeed a beautiful evening tonight as he spent a good 20 minutes simply admiring the dramatic sunset at the balcony with a cup of water. His shoulders felt light, his mind was clear and his heart was happy and it would be a lie if he said he was not loving the feeling at all. 

He just knew that it was going to be a good evening today. 

Before going ahead to prepare dinner (or supper, depending what time Jaemin texted him that he would be on his way home), Jeno made it a point to wash up with a long lukewarm shower, change into comfortable clothes and mindlessly scroll through the channels on the television to pass time. He did not want to be too early and after doing a quick recap on the recipe, he figured that it would only make sense to start once Jaemin left his desk. By the time his fiance came home, dinner would have just been just prepared and he would be able to enjoy a warm and comforting lasagna fresh from the oven. And as his mind started to drift off into oblivion over the next 2 hours, he finally received a message from the love of his life that it was time for him to head home. At that, Jeno practically leaped off the sofa, newfound energy washing over him as he got up to prepare a classier version of Jaemin’s comfort food. 

As he was seasoning the minced meat that he had bought not too long ago, that was when the shrill ring of his ringtone broke the silence of the apartment and despite him nearly jumping out of his skin, he knew exactly who it was and after washing his hands and wiping them dry, he picked up the call. 

“Hello?”

“Jeno-yah!!” Jaemin replied with happiness and excitement laced in his voice, “What are you doing now?”

“I’m preparing dinner, where are you?”

“I’m still near the office. I got sidetracked because I saw some really pretty macarons at the local bakery. They were so cute with Kakao characters and Pokemon, and even Kirby too! I’m not sure if they will taste nice though, but they were too adorable to pass. Sorry if I end up coming home later than usual.” Jaemin ended his part of the conversation with slight guilt. 

“Nah… It’s okay, I can just slow down the cooking process.” Jeno answered while breaking out into a soft chuckle as he imagined the pout that Jaemin had on his face when he was upset, “Anyway, why did you call?”

“I don’t know… I just wanted to hear your voice, I guess?”

“You’re just 20 minutes away from home, no?” Jeno chuckled again, cooing inwardly at the cuteness of his fiance.

“Yeah, but I miss you. Can’t I just listen to your voice as I make my way home? I don’t really feel like listening to my music today and besides, your voice is music to my ears.” Jaemin replied in a teasing manner. 

“Oh my goodness, what’s with the sudden cheesiness?” Jeno responded in a slightly panicked tone as he felt his cheeks and ears heat up and if anything, he probably looked like a very ripened tomato now.

Jaemin only giggled at that, and oh how much Jeno loved hearing it, before he continued, “You know, it’s funny how —”

BANG!

And all of a sudden, it was as if the world had simply stopped. Despite all the shouting and overall chaos coming from the phone’s speaker following the deafening bang, it was as if an eerie pin drop silence had washed over the apartment altogether, like the chaos had just become white noise in Jeno’s mind.

“Lee Jeno-sshi? Lee Jeno-sshi, are you there? Please respond, this is an emergency.” A panicked woman shouted on the phone, worry and exasperation evident in her voice.

That was when Jeno snapped out of his reverie. 

“Y-yes?” 

Even those words came out as a mere whisper as he soon felt his limbs turn into jelly and yet, his feet stood rooted to the ground, clearly too shell shocked to comprehend over what to do next. 

“He’s been knocked down by a car. There’s a lot of blood but we’ve called the police, as well as the ambulance, and he should be sent to the nearest hospital. Sir, are you still there? Please do not panic —”

That was when the severity of the situation started to come clear to Jeno’s mind and it was only a matter of time before the woman’s voice started to drown out. As he continued listening to her seemingly empty words of comfort, it soon sounded as if Jeno was listening to her with his head submerged underwater and his hands began to tremble even more as time went on. 

And he was not ready for the emotional response that he did not know he was capable of. 

Jeno soon found his ears drowned out by someone’s loud wailing and he could literally feel every single bit of his world crashing down on him. It was full of agony, pain and all things negative that anyone could think of. You name them, he probably felt it. His heart started to palpitate loudly against his ribcage as his knees crumpled to the ground, hard, and his breathing began to get shallower and shallower. In other words, Jeno felt like he was going to pass out and no matter how much he willed himself to move, he simply could not. 

Thank the Almighty and all the gods out there that he had put his Jaehyun on speed dial and within just 3 rings, the call was answered.

“Hey Jeno, anything wrong?”

“H-hyung,” Jeno choked out. “I-i-it’s Jaemin. H-h-he’s hurt.”

From then on, all the events that followed passed by in a blur. Jeno had no idea how long he had been on the floor for, as dinner for two was long forgotten, and he definitely had no recollection on how he ended up right outside the operating theatre as the medical staff worked against the clock in an attempt to save Jaemin’s life. They had found out that the accident was caused by an intoxicated driver speeding down the street, and although Jaemin had the right of way on the road, he was unfortunately sent flying a few metres down the street due to the impact and was knocked unconscious.

“Was he at least still breathing when he was brought here?” Jaehyun questioned with a trembling voice as his eyes filled with anger, hurt and worry. 

“Yes sir. Rest assured that the doctors are doing the best they can.” The nurse responded and even though it was a response that would have well incited anger in Jeno’s irrational mental state, his logical side told him that this was technically all she could say because she too would not have been able to predict the eventual outcome. Hence, all the trio could do was to sit and wait, except for Jaehyun who had stormed out of the hospital with a worried Doyoung in tow. Jeno had no energy to move after the whole ordeal, so all he found himself doing was waiting as he fiddled with his fingers in an attempt to calm his mind that was racing a mile a minute. 

Time seemed to pass by at a snail’s pace and by now, Jaehyun and Doyoung were long back. Jaehyun had definitely calmed down at quick glance, but it was clear that he was still dying on the inside to know the outcome. Doyoung said nothing as he sat by Jeno’s side, before taking the boy in for a warm and comforting embrace, and that was all it took to break through Jeno’s walls. He felt the tears cascading down his cheeks, tasting the saltiness and bitterness of them and it was not long before his tears had soaked through Doyoung’s sweater. Jeno felt bad for doing that but he could not find it in himself to break away.

All he needed was someone to hold and someone to hold him. Doyoung understood, and without a moment’s hesitation tightened his hold on Jeno, as if he was attempting to keep the boy from falling apart altogether.

A little more time passed before they were met with the person that the trio were dying to see and that was none other than the doctor who was probably in charge of attempting to save Jaemin’s life. 

“Doctor!” Jaehyun exclaimed, immediately jumping out of his seat and almost falling to the cold, hard ground in the process, “Is Jaemin alive? Please tell me that he’s alright… Please…”

“Jaemin’s alive, but…”

“But?”

“When he arrived, he lost a lot of blood and that was nothing a simple blood transfusion couldn’t fix, and broken bones, which would heal with time, but the trauma that he received on the head is pretty severe. We’re still running some tests now to determine the severity but for his overall, we have induced him into a coma. Please understand that that was the best option we had.” The doctor replied calmly, almost too calm for Jeno’s liking. 

“Is there a chance he would wake up?” Jeno spoke for the first time in a few hours, throat still feeling hoarse from all the screaming and overall disuse.

The doctor only sighed and replied, “I’m sorry, Mr Lee, I cannot guarantee the time he would spend in a coma. As of now, he will be admitted to the ICU and you can go and see him soon, probably in the next 20 minutes or so as we attach him to all the necessary devices.”

And after that, the doctor was off after the trio thanked him profusely to attend to Jaemin once again, and the trio were soon led to the ICU where Jaemin would spend his time until he got better. They simply watched as Jaemin was wheeled in and as soon as the medical staff had left and made sure that everything was alright, it was now time for them to step in. Ignoring all the bandages, casts as well as the hoses that were attached to him to monitor his vital signs, he simply looked like he was simply asleep and most importantly, at peace, which made it look as if the worry they felt hours ago could simply be considered as unnecessary.

Jeno was terrified to place his hands on his fiance, as if just the slightest touch would break him, so Jaehyun took the lead first, placing his hand on Jaemin’s left hand and rubbing circles into it gently. His face was still dry, but one could tell that he was trying to hold the tears back on the pretense of staying strong for his younger brother and perhaps the people around him too. Doyoung proceeded to place a hand on Jaehyun’s shoulder, squeezing it gently hoping to ease the evident tension in them and provide comfort for his evidently distraught husband. 

“Jaemin-ah…” Jaehyun finally spoke, breaking the silence and speaking over the constant beeps from the heart rate monitor, “I... don’t really know what to say but I’m so glad that you’re still breathing, even when you’re unconscious. The doctors said that there’s no telling how long you would be in such a state, but you’d get through it right…?”

Jaehyun was choking on his sobs now, unable to keep his emotions in any longer, and Doyoung only wrapped the slightly taller man in his embrace. Doyoung too was on the verge of tears as he saw his lover break down in front of him, but he was also doing his best to keep them in for Jaehyun’s sake. 

“Please, Jaemin. Stay alive, will you? I really hope you wake up soon.”

From that day onwards, the three of them started taking turns watching over Jaemin. To be frank, they did not have to do that and even the medical staff reassured them that Jaemin would be fine and they could leave him in the hands of the hospital, but the rationale was that if Jaemin were to wake up, the first people that he would see would be those that mattered the most to them. Their parents came to visit too, but due to their age, they could not stay there for long, but they never failed to provide words of encouragement and comfort to the trio. 

Jeno took it upon himself to watch over Jaemin for longer periods of time, especially since Doyoung and Jaehyun held high positions in their jobs, meaning that there were days when they simply could not come down to the hospital or simply needed plenty of rest to get them going for the rest of the next day. He started bringing his projects to the hospital and he was grateful to the medical staff for providing him with a table and a relatively comfortable chair to do his work as conducively as possible, rather than him having to sit on the floor and using the chairs as his workspace instead.

“Doctor, I wanted to ask a question.” 

“Yes, Mr Lee?” The doctor replied as he wrote some notes on the clipboard, which were probably to do with Jaemin.

“When he wakes up, is there a chance he would… you know… lose his memory?” 

The doctor only heaved a deep sigh as he placed the clipboard back into the little pocket hanging at the foot of Jaemin’s bed and said, albeit with a slightly heavy tone, that there was no way they could tell as of now since there was just no way of checking. However, he also added that one should not be surprised if he does not remember a lot of things due to the severity of the head trauma that he was unfortunate enough to experience. He might not lose all his memory, but there was more than a 50% chance that he would not be able to remember everything.

“But don’t worry, Mr Lee,” The doctor assured with a warm smile on his face, before proceeding to take his leave, “I think Jaemin is a strong man. He’s young too, so I would like to believe that the gods are on his side. He has much to live for and I’m sure he would get to experience all that, but for now, rest easy. His vitals look promising.”

Jeno nodded and thanked the doctor once again for his work and after a few minutes of simply staring into empty space, an idea popped up in his mind. That was when he took out a pen and some scrap pieces of paper he had in his backpack and from there, he started writing down the words he would say to Jaemin tomorrow, the day of their 8th anniversary together. He was not sure if Jaemin was going to remember any of it by the time he woke up, but from what he knew, the patient, despite being in a coma, would still be able to hear everything and perhaps respond with a twitch of a finger, if Jeno was lucky. 

At this stage, that was enough for the architect. 

The following day rolled around quicker than expected and frankly, Jeno had no idea how long he had been working on his expository, but after vetting through it a countless number of times to the point that he could probably tear his speech in two and recite it based on memory alone, he was not going to take any chances. 

Jaemin deserved only the best, and Jeno was going to give it to him, so at exactly 10pm on the 3rd of June 2020 (it was the time when the two of them had become a couple), Jeno was ready to read out whatever he had written. 

“Jaemin-ah…”

_Beep… Beep… Beep…_

“I’m not sure whether you are really able to hear me while I say this out to you, but I would like to think that you are. This might be a little sudden, especially when it comes from someone like me who’s not too expressive with his affection, but it’s our anniversary today on the 3rd of June 2020. This is definitely not where we would have thought we would be celebrating it, but I guess we don’t have much of a choice, huh?”

_Beep… Beep… Beep…_

Jeno paused, taking in a deep breath in an attempt to calm his nerves, and continued, “The reason why I’m doing this is because the doctor told me that there is a chance you might not remember everything when you wake up. I know how important memories are to you and even though you might actually forget all this, at least I would not have to regret not trying to at least bring some of them back. I’m also aware that you love reading and watching anything and everything with “Love” in its genre, so I’m here to tell you my favourite love story, starring the two of us.”

_Beep… Beep… Beep…_

“It all started when we were 6 years old and when I think back, even at this stage, I’m surprised that you, Doyoung hyung and Jaehyun hyung actually came to my aid when I needed it. Most kids would have ran away, I had seen it too many times, but you guys did not and let me also say that no amount of words could properly express how grateful I am for the three of you, and most specifically you, simply because we ended up growing together. At the start, we were just neighbours, but we soon became schoolmates, best friends, roommates, boyfriends, fiances and even husbands, all in a span of almost 20 years. Oh, and not to mention how it’s funny our love lives are almost parallel to Jaehyun hyung and Doyoung hyung’s. Coincidence? I doubt so.”

_Beep… Beep… Beep…_

“Anyway, I just wanted to thank you for giving me so much, both literally and figuratively. Thank you for giving me my voice, even though it took so long for me to find it on my own. You were just that determined to make sure that I could stand on my own two feet without having people walk all over me all the time and that was truly admirable of you. Thank you for giving me so much love when I did not have much for myself, and you sure made me feel as if I was loved by a hundred people and more. Thank you for taking care of me when times were tough too. I’m pretty sure you knew that I was this close to spiralling out of control when I broke up with Renjun and if you did not drag me out of the house that day, I’m pretty sure I would not be standing here today saying all these words to you. Oh, and if it brings you any comfort, I was conscious when you gave me that whole monologue about the fact that you loved me.”

_Beep… Beep… Beep…_

“On that note, I have things that I do want to apologise for too…” Jeno paused again, collecting his emotions. At the start of his speech, he had to admit that he sounded a little too monotonous as his hands trembled slightly in nervousness, but he was clearly getting over it now, and he could only hope that Jaemin knew just how Jeno felt.

_Beep… Beep… Beep…_

“I’m sorry that I was such a coward when it came to my feelings for you. Even though I convinced myself that I was simply not ready to accept it and was still in the phase of ‘discovering myself’, I knew, deep down, that my feelings for you were never going to change and would only continue to grow overtime. I can’t imagine how unfair the situation must have seemed to you and I still feel guilty, till this day, for putting you through all of that. Yet, here we are and I have to admit that it’s amazing how fate works, really.” 

_Beep… Beep… Beep…_

“However, amidst all the sorrys that I have yet to express, though I think you’d stop me right here because of the reasoning that it was all in the past, I think the biggest one that I still struggle with is expressing how I feel towards you. It’s only 3 words and 8 letters so I’m honestly not sure why I have trouble saying it out loud so here I am presenting you with a few sentences telling you what I love about you.” 

_Beep… Beep… Beep…_

Jeno’s heart was racing at this rate and his past self would have surely chickened out then and there, but he figured that it was time to stop hiding behind all his cowardice and tell Jaemin, with full confidence and sincerity, what he deserved to hear. And so Jeno took in another deep breath while closing his eyes, and began with the most stable voice he could muster. 

“I love the way your eyes sparkled whenever good things happened or when you were talking about the things that you liked and loved. It was as if you had the universe in them and I could not have been more blessed to see it with my own eyes. I love your smile, even though I’m sure everyone loves it too, because it was so bright that even a blind man could tell you were happy too. You’ve brought so much light into my life with just a smile and it always made me want to protect you because I did not want anything or anyone taking that smile away. I love the way you were so generous with the people around you, because as cruel as this world might seem sometimes, you made me realise that there’s always something good to fight and live for. I love the way you were always so encouraging. Even when you were not smiling, your words of wisdom definitely made up for it and it sure has made me a stronger and better person in general…” 

_Beep…_

_Beep…_

_Beep…_

“Honestly, Na Jaemin…”

_Beep…_

_Beep…_

_Beep…_

“There are so many things that I love you for and if I go on, I think you would probably be awake by then, and there’s always going to be more time to express them, right? We have our wedding anyway for all that, so I just want to summarise them in one sentence, and it’s something that you’ve been dying to hear ever since we got together.”

_Beep…_

_Beep…_

_Beep…_

“I love you.”

_Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep…_

**Author's Note:**

> For those who have made it up to this point, thank you so much for reading and I hope you are doing okay after reading all that. Trust me, as a writer, even I felt the pain writing this so you guys are definitely not alone in this. Also, if anything, I think one of the main takeaways would be to always let people know how you feel about them, even if it's cheesy or embarrassing because you can never be sure that they'll be by your side forever, both in terms of friends and family. I have to admit that I'm guilty of that and I never got a chance to express how much I loved people until they were no longer a part of my life so it's currently what I'm working on right now. Anyhow, I hope all of you have been doing well during this pandemic and have been staying healthy and most importantly, happy, and I'll see you guys next time! 
> 
> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/bunbun_doyoung)   
>  [CC](https://curiouscat.me/peanat_crumbles)


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